I just dreamed up a new SNL skit starring the incomparable Kristen Wiig. She’s the MLOGGER (cross between those inane Mommy Bloggers and McGyver). I can see her at the school bus stop along with all the other “normal” moms taking their kids at the crack ass of dawn.
MLogger glides up wearing yoga pants and those weird exercise tennis shoes that look more like platforms from the 1970’s. She has about 6 kids in tow all named after some inanimate objects: Glue Stick, Rinse Cycle, Crayon… and of course she is pushing one of those ridiculous all-terrain strollers with nubby tires. (Little Marshmallow’s eyes are bulging out of his head from the lack of shock absorbers.) Of course she’s subtley condescending at the “working moms” at the bus stop, leaving their kids all day and being so selfish.
Business Suit Mommy is on the phone discussing an
important legal issue when her child grabs her by the hand, “Mommy, you forgot
my lunch!” MLogger quickly reaches into her enormous bedazzled messenger bag, “I always make extra. It’s a whole grain Panini with brussel sprouts, tofu and
spinach with a light dusting of my famous homemade chipotle mayo. Don’t forget
to return the Tupperware! We all have to do our part to save the planet!”
Lab Coat Mommy receives an urgent page that there has
been a horrible accident and must get to the hospital right away to save lives!
Her child pouts, “But Mommy you forgot the invitations to hand out for my
birthday party.” MLogger quickly grabs up a pile of crisp fallen leaves, using
the straw from her baby’s organic apple juice sippy cup, she manages to
inscribe pertinent information in a lovely calligraphy. “Here you go Sweetie.
And they’re recyclable!” Immediately, the entire project was masterfully
recorded in High Def on her IPhone and uploaded as an instructional video on
her Mommy Blog entitled “How to Be a Better Mommy: Lessons for the Working Mom”.
“Don’t worry Mommies I’ll be right here when the kids get
home from school. We can all go to the science museum and afterwards build a
life-size solar system out of macaroni and my famous homemade meatballs!”