Hubby complains at me all the time about “moving shit”. I have a habit of cleaning up and moving clutter from one place to another then I forget where I put it. Hubby is convinced I packed his wallet in with the Christmas decorations. (I’m convinced he left it at a fast food place and just won’t admit it.)

I was at a fabric store several months ago and hit their clearance rack of paper products. I found invitations, gift boxes and tissue garland all in a teddy bear theme, so I scooped them up long before I knew I would even host a baby shower in the future. They were just too cute and practically free (at least that’s what I tell Hubby).

Anyway, for some unknown reason I put the paper products in a china cabinet drawer for safe keeping, but the garland I left in its bag and tossed it in my closet. For months I was constantly looking at that bag in my closet and reminding myself to put it somewhere that I will find it when I need it. I guess I finally did, because when I found out I was to host a baby shower, I searched high and low for that
damn garland. It certainly was not in the closet where I had been looking at it,
sitting there on the shelf, mocking me for probably 6 months! It was not with the other paper products that I knew were in the china cabinet drawer. It wasn’t even with the pile of baby shower gifts now cluttering the dining room table. I resigned myself to the fact that I must have accidently thrown the bag away with the Christmas madness.

On the day of the baby shower, I asked others what they would be wearing for the party. Then I went into my closet and took stock of the choices. I decided on a particular floral shirt and when I pulled it from the closet, there hanging from the hanger, was that damn plastic bag. I had obviously chosen this particular shirt long ago to wear for the baby shower and attached the bag with the teddy bear garland to it, knowing that I would find it there when I needed it.

So, as logic would go, that means that Hubby’s wallet should be inside my favorite pair of cowboy boots. After all, I’m always searching for the perfect replacement pair…

Which brings me to the humor our two families have been sharing for several years:

SIL is married to my Hubby’s brother therefore, we share the same last name. She is originally from the north and now lives in the south. She has been married once previously. She has 3 children with her first husband. She is a young grandmother. She likes her tasty drinks and Country Living Magazine. We were practically cut from the same cloth. It’s eerie. AND I LOVE HER TO PIECES! (is that self promoting? hmmmm……)

However, this past year we learned that her household must be doing something right, because out of those 7 grandsons, each and every one of them loves to do actual work. They request birthday parties that involve raking leaves for fun and wheelbarrow races in the dirt. For Christmas they ask for work boots and tool boxes. They insist on climbing on the roof and helping hang Christmas lights or just plain jumping into the pool from the top of the shed. They actually want to play outside!

On the other hand…my grandbabies are the exact opposite.
They are soft and whiney. Scooter is an utter girlie-girl’s girlie girl. She
finds it so easy to just say “I can’t” and convince someone else to do her
“dirty work”. She is a terrible couch potato who watches way too much cartoons
and mindless crap.  She will never rake leaves for fun. For Christmas she got
pink cowgirl boots (because she is not a boy) and a bunch of electronic games
and devices that she will never take the time to read the instructions or learn
to play correctly. Someone else will eventually do it for her. Her brother,
Scout, is even worse. He doesn’t even have to say “I can’t” he just screams
bloody murder and gets anything he wants.  He will never wear work boots because he refuses to wear shoes at all. He doesn’t have to, someone will always carry him. For Christmas he got a mini leather recliner complete with sippy cup holder. He loves to hide the TV remotes and no doubt will never move out of his mother’s house. Ever.

SIL, I wish your newest granddaughter lots of luck and strength because she’s going to have to be pretty tough to be able to hang with all those rough and tumble cousins! No doubt she will do it with utter class in a pink tutu and work boots.

There she was sitting on a Victorian settee, ankles crossed, in a long form fitting skirt. She was continuously sipping on her tea cup throughout the interview. She spoke very decisively as if each word were well rehearsed.

There was no hint of the English accent she used to use
when married to what’s-his-name.

I did not notice the red string tied around her wrist
from when she went from being Catholic to Jewish a few years back either.

Never once was the interviewer allowed to mention any
children, but showing candid pictures of her newest Boy Toy was acceptable. He
looked about 15, but she said he has “an old soul”. Sorry honey, boys do not
have “old souls” they have Mommy issues. So much for not mentioning children…

Finally, at one point the interviewer asked how she felt
about Lady Gaga. After all, her song Born this Way is a copy cat of Express
Yourself. Madonna so coyly raised her tea cup, “I find it…reductive”. Then
took a sip, looked directly into the camera and said, “Look it up”.

She is quite a choreographer, isn’t she?

The thing is I started to get a little carried away with the theme and the food and the whole event. I don’t know why I felt the need to impress, but I found myself shopping for the perfect door prizes, gifts and décor items, even making my own and suffering the permanent scars of hot glue…again. Perhaps I should step away from hot glue? I was concerned that the menu became more of a tailgating party than a baby shower. Nothing felt cohesive or coordinated. What if none of the Grandmothers-to-be were happy with this party atmosphere?

Twice Sari and Boy reminded me that this is a SECOND baby shower, meant for friends and fun. It is not the boring, family obligation that had already taken place a month ago. Mommy-to-be does not want cucumber sandwiches and cloth napkins. She doesn’t care about theme or matching décor, she just wants a little levity and friendship. Keep it simple.

Then, the eldest daughter, Brit, informed me that she too was going to host a baby shower for a friend. This Mommy-to-be also had already had the boring, family tea cakes and violin music baby shower. She too was looking for fun and friends. Brit decided to throw an elaborate baseball themed party complete with Big League Chew and Cracker Jacks. We discussed the cost of hot dog cooking machines and filled gift bags. We came up with ideas about banners, balloons and Petit Fours shaped like baseballs. Finding the mini glass Coke bottles and old fashioned paper straws…the list just kept getting bigger and more complicated!

Finally, the clouds cleared, the sun shown down and all became clear to see. Keep it simple. Both Mommies-to-be already dealt with the stressful, gotta-be-just-right, use your best manners and dress pretty affair. They were looking to us to give them what they really wanted; friends, fun, enjoyment… instead we became the evil party planners from hell!

My head is clear now. I will serve meatballs and cocktail weenies in BBQ sauce. I will provide bottles of cheap wine and light background music. My home is here for you, Mommy-to-be, to eat all of your favorite snacks, gather with all of your friends and especially to just enjoy your day with lots of laughter.

I can’t wait for the person who gets to draw Birth Canal in Pictionary!  Talk about laughter!

Dad just spent a week in the hospital.

My car has not returned from the collision shop yet. And the ‘government issue’ Impala (rental car) smells like Ode du Willie Loman.

My husband is blind in one eye and his Dr. just rescheduled his appointment for 3 more weeks down the road.

My brother is suffering from “cedar fever”.

My nephew was in a terrible car accident and is now in a neck brace for 6 weeks.

My girlfriend’s mommy is in hospital.

I am working overtime for the 3rd day this week.

And Bella the Wonder Dog won’t stop shitting in my house!

Bama better crush LSU on Monday Night’s National Championship Game. That’s all I’ve got going for me so far this new year. ROLL TIDE!