The adventurer cheerfully sings: 

Wakey Wakey

Eggs and bakey

But there’s no eggs and bakey

Only time to get up

And go to work. 

At first, I thought it was a fine little ditty, but somehow it turned dark at the chorus… 

Begrudgingly I get out of bed and begin to make my trek to the homeland… the light and the way… the kitchen that holds the only product that keeps me alive most days…Red Rose Tea. I can you see the glowing light. Hear the angelic music. It’s calling me… 

I step in cat puke. 

 Happy St. Patty’s Day! Hope you all paint the town green tonight.

I don’t want any faux hair ponytails or sea salt hand wash or $120.00 hair straighteners. I only come to the mall for two things: The Wallflowers plug-ins at Bath and Body Works and Deliah’s jeans. Granted I could buy both online, but why pay shipping and handling when I don’t have to?  

Also, I know Deliah’s is geared towards a much younger teenaged-girl crowd, but their jeans actually fit me and I am happy about that. They don’t look like “mom” jeans, they come in the right length and the boot cut is actually a boot cut and not a bell bottom.  

So I make my way up to the store and just as I get through the first racks of sundresses, a young sales associate asks if she can help me find anything today. Easy enough, I point at the white denim and tell her I want them in a size 7 regular, boot cut. BAM! In my hands! She scurries off to assist another customer. I have been in the store 5 whole minutes, found exactly what I wanted and just as I wonder in the direction of the checkout counter, yet another young sales associate informs me that if I buy one pair, I get another pair half off. What size can I get you? Fine. I tell her the same request as the previous gal and she argues with me. Yes, she began to question my knowledge of my own body! She actually walked around me, sizing up my butt!  

“Oh no”, she says, “you’re more like my size. 00.” I begin laughing hysterically! No dear. Not even close.  She calls out to the first gal that helped me earlier and demands to know what size jeans she is wearing. I’m slightly appalled. Don’t ask her that from across the damn room! She calls out a healthy14! The current girl says out loud, “this lady thinks she wears a 7 regular! I think she’s more a 3/4 don’t you?” 

OK, I’ve had enough.  I grab a second pair in 7 regular and run for the counter. Perhaps from now on the added expense of shipping and handling will be more worth it than the sheer embarrassment I just encountered. Damn kids.

Tears began to well up in my eyes. I was heartbroken! 

If, at 26, Sari is feeling old enough to put away her “young things” then what in the hell would Stacy and Clinton think of MY CLOSET?  Damnit! 

I still wear the black lace boots that I bought during the height of original 80’s Madonna. I still wear turquoise-crocodile-leather pumps with 4 inch blazing silver heels! I could never part with my double-wrap belt with the dangling stars. And yes, I do still currently own several pair of leg warmers and I will never give up my slouch sox. (Thanks to Sari and her former Hooter’s attire, slouch sox are still available! Thank god). 

I don’t want to give up my old things. I like them too much. But that’s the point isn’t it? When our grandchildren start to point and laugh at our “mom” jeans and feathered hair? Sari can’t show up to the next PTA meeting wearing her pink slut dress and Candies platforms. Well, she could, but she’d just make all the other mother’s jealous and the dad’s would drool all over themselves. 

I guess now is as good a time as any. Who wants to go shopping with me?

As Wilma and Betty used to say, “CHARGE IT!”

Mr. Right 

There’s always gonna be another Sunday

Another girl all dressed in white

Always looking for that happy ending

Settle down with Mr. Right 

Don’t need to be half to be whole

I complete me just fine

Wake up smiling on the inside

No need for compromise 

I’m strong enough to fight my own battles

I can roll along with the tides

Gonna conquer this world my own way

But you can come along for the ride  

/ksl 

He decided that we needed a Dome Stadium. Nevermind that we don’t have any professional teams to play in it, but we sure needed one. He decided that we needed 100 new public busses. Nevermind that we have probably the least used public transit system in the country. No one rides the bus. No one. He also wanted to add a trolley car system. 3 miles  around downtown that cost $11 million per mile to build. Excellent use of funds. He decided that he would hire a massive yard cleaning crew and send them out to clean up all the neighborhoods. I don’t know about you, but I have to mow my own grass, no one is going to do it for me in my neighborhood unless I pay them. Who do you think paid for those downtown neighborhoods to get all their lawns mowed? Could it be…the tax payers?  

Well finally King Larry has gone too far. He accepted bribes of cash and clothing and trips to the “casino”. (We don’t have real casinos, gambling is a sin in Bama, ya know). But King Larry somehow walked away with over a million dollars in winnings! Now that’s convenient! There was also a little fraud, a little tax evasion and other random acts of dishonesty of a public figure.

King Larry was dethroned! He was officially indicted, convicted and today was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Buh-bye Larry! Good riddens!