Kim Says

Not to be a total buzz kill, but please don’t whip out your drug den at the dinner table.

It was our anniversary last night. Hubby and I were gonna go to Olive Garden and mainline some salad dressing, but I received a text from a gal pal who stated that her present evening at Olive Garden was disastrous. Complete with screaming children and wife beaters. So thinking that it was an Omen, I turned the car towards Stix. I love Stix. It is a Japanese Steak House complete with tempura grilling right in front of you and the funny chef (who is usually Mexican) hamming it up for my dining pleasure. Yes, he DID say he just arrived from Arizona. (hardy har har)

We are seated at a table with a nice family of five…or so I thought. The waitress brings us our salads and we ask for chop sticks. The young boy with the family wants chop sticks too! His mother suggests that he may starve to death, but he can try it out for the first time.

Next comes the fried rice. Piles of it land on each plate. The young boy asks for extra “cool sauce” on his. Then Dad says something to the effect of “time for a shot”. Silly me, I thought he was reaching into his bag for a camera. You know, cute shot of his young son flailing with chop sticks and overly seasoned rice??? Nope.

Dad pulls out his pharmacy-to-go and proceeds to display all of the items all over the table. He pushes his plate of rice over to the side and his glass of sweet tea. He pulls out needles, a glass jar of medication, a rubbery arm strap kinda thing…

HELLO? KIMMER IS HORRIFIED AT THE SIGHT OF NEEDLES!!!! Yes, maybe I am a bit overly dramatic at the sight of needles, doctors, the smell of hospitals, germs… But this is currently my dinner table. DINNER TABLE!

(I would no sooner appreciate a woman whipping out her boob and stuffing her child’s suckling face on there at the dinner table either.)

Call me a prude. Shut up.

I understand that Dad was at his dinner table too. He apparently has no problem interrupting his family’s mealtime and they apparently have no issues with it either. However, Dad was sharing a table with me and I didn’t appreciate it. I did not make a scene other than to keep my head turned to the far side and not eat until I was certain he had cleaned up everything and removed it from the table.

I think I got him back though, after dinner the family was preparing to pay their bill when I ordered a huge “Volcano Brownie” for dessert. Hubby and I shared this incredibly rich fudge concoction while the young son whimpered and whined the entire walk out of the restaurant that he wanted one too! With chopsticks!

I was as surprised as anyone that the Emmy Awards were actually FUN to watch! Kudos to Jimmy Fallon! I can honestly say I have never sat through an entire awards show from start to finish nor have I paused or hit the rewind button! Jimmy Fallon won the trifecta last night!

The opening number was fantastic! But then again, you can never go wrong with Springsteen. The tribute to shows that have gone off-air; I actually snorted I laughed so hard at Jimmy Fallon’s imitation of Green Day! Jewel gets a special mention for her beautiful song “A Hole in My Heart in the Shape of You”, which nearly brought me to tears and then Ricky Gervais’ comments and service of non-alcoholic beer was hilarious!

Finally, I have never been a big George Clooney fan. I just don’t think he is as talented or good looking as the media insists he is. In fact, other than being part of his famous ensemble cast in the Ocean’s Thirteen movies, I can’t name one movie of his I actually like. However, last night he gets credit for making me laugh. His skit with the cast of Modern Family was very funny. I give a strong golf clap! Hair gel!

So thank you Mr. Emmy Awards Show Announcer Guy! Perhaps next year you will be emanated for a nominee yourself!

(credit to Julia Ormond for her play on words last night)

Hubby and I had the opportunity to see Carlos Mencia, the Comedian, live in Birmingham last night. The man is completely hilarious. I think he talked for nearly two hours last night. An impromptu-one-night-only engagement. We were very lucky to get tickets on such short notice because the venue was sold-out by show time.

Now if you have seen/heard his comedy, you know that he has no issues with “political correctness” in fact, he credits himself with bringing back the term Beaner to describe his Mexican heritage. White people are Crackers and Black people, well, even I can’t actually use that term…but you get my meanin’.

He always makes the comment of how much he loves America. That America is the greatest country on Earth! He says all you have to do is leave the country and then return and you will agree.

Carlos says that other countries think of Americans as arrogant. That we always want more than we have, we are greedy. Carlos corrects this nasty rumor by simply stating that Americans do NOT expect more than anyone else, they just assume to receive the same as they are accustomed to back home. His example: I was in France at a restaurant and the waiter brings me my beverage and it has the saddest three little ice cubes floating on top. I ask the waiter if I could have some more ice cubes please. The Waiter is indignant. You Americans are so arrogant! So greedy! You always want more than everyone else! (give it your best Pepe Le Pew accent, go ahead)

So, is it harder to make ice in France than it is in the States??? Just sayin’…

To which Carlos replies:

Back home we have these really cool magical machines and you put your big gulp cup underneath it and all this ice just comes pouring out! All the ice you want! Sometimes it’s too much ice and you have to pour a little out. Then you put your cup underneath all of the beverage choices and make this crazy mixture which actually tastes super nasty, so you pour everything out and start all over again! (Oh come on, you know we have ALL done that!)

Hubby and I get home after the show and I duck right into the bedroom to change into comfy clothes and wash make up off my face. By the time I re-enter the living room, there is a nice tasty drink waiting for me on the coffee table. I sit down and pick up the drink and…oh come on you know… there are three of the saddest looking ice cubes floating on the top.

That’s OK, I have this magical machine in my fridge that gives me all the ice cubes I could ever want! I’ll just pour this out and start all over again! I am so arrogant!

Zagat’s surveying services have posted their list of the best fast food joints, menu items and services. Granted, McDonald’s is still number one in the French Fry Department. Duh! We all know they must cook up some Nuke in the back to mix with the grease (anyone catch the Robocop reference?) The point is those fries are an American addiction. There is no rival. The same goes for the Olive Garden salad dressing. If it were possible, I would free base it!

The major upset this year was that Five Guys beat out In and Out Burger as the best burger. I’ve eaten at Five Guys a couple of times. Their food is good, but there is so much of it that it seems a waste for me to go there. I end up throwing out at least a third because I didn’t starve myself for two days prior – you know what I mean, saving up room, not because I’m bulimic or anything.

I was most surprised that I did not see Zaxby’s anywhere on the list. I love Zaxby’s! They make the most fabulous chocolate shake with plenty of whipped cream and the Zalads are enough to turn into two full lunches! But even if those two items didn’t fight for top honor, their service is completely unparalleled. I swear that each time I drive up to order, the person on the other end is likely to be taken home and adopted. I always feel like I have just pulled up to Hospitality Heaven. The speaker is clear and the voice is polite, clear and speaks with grammatical etiquette. Sometimes, when I am having a bad day, I just go there to listen to that voice. It just makes me smile.

So, even if Zaxby’s has not been catapulted to the top ranks of fast food stardom (yet), I will continue to eat there and to stalk… Just a little bit…

Dear Scarlett:

You have been a pretty decent car since I brought you home from the dealership in 2005. You don’t have any fancy bells and whistles, but your Ohio State pride is always evident (red on the outside and grey on the inside). You’ve had your fair share of typical maintenance issues like new tires and routine oil changes; I also hate the A/C leak on the passenger side floor and the fact that the interior overhead light hasn’t worked in two years. But ever since Hubby installed XM Radio, Hair Nation makes up for any minor inconveniences (especially when it’s really loud).

However, ever since I spent my hard-earned money on a Chevy product, GM has done nothing to keep my loyalty. Yes, we all know Government Motors took billions in bailout money, essentially making us, the Taxpayers, 60% owners! (I still can’t believe they ran those commercials a few months back about how GM had paid back all of their handout. That is such a total lie!) Anyway, so then GM forced the closure of hundreds of dealerships to save the company money. One of them being the service station/dealership that I regularly took my car to for its repairs. I currently have a recall on my car, but I can’t take it anywhere. Brilliant!

Finally, I just learned that GM is building a brand new plant. Noooo, they are not re-opening any of the old plants in Detroit or Chicago. Noooo, they are not calling back to work all those laid off employees whose houses have gone into foreclosure. Noooo, Government Motors isn’t even building the plant in this country!

Our tax dollars are building a brand new plant in MEXICO! SI SENORS Y SENORITAS!

Well I guess that’s one way of getting around those dastardly immigration laws that have been plaguing the Obama administration. Send all the jobs to Mexico and there will be no more border issues! Brilliant!

I am completely embarrassed to own a Chevy product (sorry Scarlett, it’s not you, it’s me) and I guarantee I will never spend another dollar on another one. And I will (as I am now) discourage anyone else from wasting their money, their time and their patriotic spirit of owning an “American Made” car made by GM. Who am I kidding? My next car is a BMW anyway. Duh.

xoxo - kimmer