Kim Says

For the past few years, I have tried to become a gentler, kinder Kimmer. Try to let stuff go, not be so judgmental, accept people for who they are. I was stepped on pretty badly a very long time ago and therefore I haven’t given trust or friendship very lightly. I had set some pretty high standards, but I thought I was seriously improving…until yesterday.

I work in a law office, so I am around characters of all kinds every day. For the most part, it is pretty quiet around here, but there are times when the lobby fills up with a “questionable lot”.  Each of the four attorneys here has an individual agenda and unique clientele. One of them, is often appointed a Public Defender…hence the “questionable lot” of characters in the lobby. I’ve worked in the Public Defender offices as a college intern. I’ve stood inside jail cells and interviewed people in hand cuffs and orange jumpsuits. People don’t scare me and a jail cell isn’t so bad as long as you know you’re not the one being locked inside later (the smell is a little harder to get used to).

Point being, when there are people in the lobby, my first thought is not that I need to lock up the check books and hide my purse. I believe that they are there seeking assistance from the one guy that can truly help them and therefore his office would be the LAST place to cause trouble. BOY WAS I WRONG!

 It seems that no matter where you are, if you are of criminal means, any opportunity is a good opportunity.  

Two unsavory characters sat in the lobby while the actual clients were in a conference room. Two lawyers had come and gone for lunch, the third was in the conference room, the last was in his own office. I stepped away from my desk…they saw me take my cell phone and my cigarettes and walk out the door. They knew I’d be away for at least 5 minutes and as long as the others remained in their places, they had free rein. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!

The characters stole the wallet out of my purse (thank goodness, that’s all they took). I noticed it gone the minute I returned, but because I didn’t want to judge someone, I kept trying to think of when was the last time I actually had the wallet in my sights… could I have left it at home? Did it fall out on the floor in my car? Could I have left it at the gas station? I think the second guessing yourself is the worst part. Then comes the blaming yourself. I shouldn’t have walked out of the office. I shouldn’t have left my purse under my desk. I should have known better than to leave people alone in the lobby.

Now, I know what you are thinking, how do I know for sure that one or both of these guys actually took my wallet? Because my hero Hubby came right over to the offices and started his bloodhound search of the premises. After about an hour of wondering around in the 90(+) heat, he found my wallet thrown about 30 feet into a wooded area along the driveway. Everything in tact except for about $20 cash.

The attorney acting as Public Defender has promised retribution (these two are NOT his clients). He says he will be seeing them in court next week. He says he will share with me his plans then.  For now, I have found a drawer that has a lock and key for my personal belongings and company check books. I will no longer give the benefit of the doubt nor assume anyone is above reproach.

It’s a shame really. I was definitely a nicer person there for a minute. Oh well.

Screw you and the horse you rode in on!

Hubby and I threw a party at our new home. We spent weeks preparing for it. Hubby invited his daughter and her new husband (Annie and Ron) to drive from North Carolina so that we could throw her a pseudo-wedding reception from the South Eastern Conference part of the family. Many of us she had not seen in many years or had never met at all and admittedly was feeling a bit anxious.

Our plan was to invite as many young people as we could, outside of initial family, so that the newlyweds would feel more comfortable among people their own age.  My kiddie-boos came through in flying colors! They invited all of their friends to celebrate with us. Of course the big selling feature was a keg of beer, a full bar and plenty of free food! People come out of the woodwork for a party like that!

I was very proud of all of them. They really came through and made our guests of honor feel welcomed. Boy covered the music/PA system and became bartender extraordinaire! Sari brought the keg of beer and was to make her famous southern sherbet punch, meanwhile Brit latched onto Annie like glue and became her best friend for two days. I think Annie really enjoyed the girl factor the most. (She moved from her hometown of Spokane, Washington to marry her husband in North Carolina. A state she has been in just over one year.)  I think she misses girlfriends and really needed “girl time”. Brit accommodated big time.

It was a very hot 90 (+) degree day and no one wanted to go into the event tent, play volleyball or croquet. However, we set up a slip n slide and a kiddie pool and that went over well with the youngest group (some of the adults may have taken part as well).

We grilled shish kabobs and had an official cake cutting (most of which is still in the kitchen tile grout), but the funniest part was the crystal punch bowl with nothing in it expect a sign that said “Non-Alcoholic Punch”. Fortunately, the guests thought this was a clever joke and toasted the irony. Hubby nearly took out the recessed lights with the champagne corks and gave a short-but-sweet toast to the couple that I think was meant to compliment me more than them.

Also, here in Bama, we all either are fans of the Crimson Tide or the Auburn Tigers. No one is a Gator fan. Apparently, Ron is originally from southern Florida and will name is first born Tim Tebow. During the gift opening ceremony, the opportunity to present them each with an Alabama T-Shirt was priceless. Even though they may have only made it as far as the garbage cans in the driveway….

That night, the kiddie-boos took Annie and Ron out to one of their favorite dance club hang-outs and danced the night away. I also heard there may have been some competition between Annie and Boy but the “purple shot” won.

All-in-all I think the weekend went fairly smooth. A good time had by all!

Five, six…whatever it takes.

Golf is a contact sport. The sad fact of the matter is that my only points of reference are Caddyshack, Happy Gilmore and Charles Barkley. So far, I can do the gopher dance, the hockey stick golf smackdown and the Charles Barkley chop.

For those of you who may not know, Charles Barkley is from Alabama, so every time he comes here to play in a celebrity/charity tournament, his swing is all over the local news. It’s criminal.

I’ve tried to be the ball, but ended up being the shankapotamus. 

Apparently, the golf balls I purchased were the Wilson Water Seekers (drop in the drink every time) and the Titleist Assassins (lost on the grassy knoll).

My gold clubs were purchased from an estate sale. They are called Lady Palmer’s. And no, they are not pink, but they might as well be crooked.

Needless to say, watching me on the green is a joke in and of itself. I don’t like to be sweaty, the bag is too heavy and I don’t own a golf cart. Also, I don’t care for beer, so refilling a tasty drink is a test of endurance and the grapefruit juice just doesn’t do well in the summer heat.

Not to worry, you all won’t be seeing me on the LPGA Circuit anytime soon. If I keep golfing like I do, Bob Barker is gonna take me out of my own misery. Oh, and DUUUUUCK!

Hubby and I have officially been living in our new house for one entire week. It is exhausting and worrisome; unpacking a few boxes everyday and putting together yet another piece of furniture or wondering “What is that smell?” and “Why don’t the garbage men pick up the garbage?” At the same time it is also fun and new.

We have a six level water fall complete with a Koi pond at the bottom. The previous owner said he’d had them 8 years and never even thought to name them. So we had to, of course. There are eight fish in all and for various reasons, here are their new names:

Moby (huge fish)

Spot (duh)

Fluffy (Just cause I can)

Sidewalls (white stripes)

Hammerhead (he’s just a bully fish)

Tony Stewart (all orange)

Tips (his colorist gave him highlights)

Bambi (she’s got some tail and Moby chases it!)

So, as we are getting accustomed to our new surroundings, there are some interesting items I thought I would share.  For example, did you know that frogs do not ribbett? NO! They actually SCREAM! Beyond the golf cart track and the 4^th Hole is a small lake/pond for fishing and kayaking. Apparently, it is stuffed with frogs that scream like small children being butchered in the street. The first night the screaming occurred, Hubby ran for the front door and I ran for the back determined to catch the killer red handed. Only to find a man and his young son whizzing around on their electric golf cart (with headlights) catching frogs in the dark. Yes, we have Frog Hunters. If Steve Irwin only knew. Crikey!

During another evening, as we sat out on the back deck enjoying a nice breeze, we heard this unusual musical sound. What is that? Why, it’s the harmonizing geese of course! They honk in two-part harmony! I bet you didn’t know that? I know I didn’t! Hubby thinks they are actually speaking and perhaps are yelling Date Rape. This isn’t Central Park, ya know.

On Saturday, a nearby subdivision was having a neighborhood wide yard sale. As Hubby and I didn’t downsize, we were looking for items we were now short on: bed frames and lamps. Amazingly, we did find one of each, so that was fantastic, however, the funniest thing about the entire neighborhood was that every house that participated (and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE) had a plaid couch for sale! What happened to these people? Did the Fuller Brush Man of couches blow through this neighborhood and convince them all they must have a plaid couch? Ten years ago, did some interior designer guest on Oprah and tell everyone they must have a plaid couch? Was it one of her favorite things?

Last night a photographer wandered on down the golf cart track. He said it was going to be a full moon that night and he was going to capture it. Yes, you all know what Hubby did, don’t you? The water fall is lit up like Christmas with several prime spots for a statuesque pose or two. Do not close your eyes or attempt to envision that! Just move along down the golf cart track. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along now…

Discussion: Jon and Kate Plus Eight. Face it, after 5 seasons of tedious screaming meltdowns, remarkably fun-less field trips and Kate’s dictatorial house rule, the show needed a little ramping up. Introduce attractive secondary characters, follow wondering eyes, and mix with sexy innuendo…now things are just getting interesting!

I am often making fun of reality TV shows. What a waste of production time and primetime. However, the more I look around the more I see what would make just as good, if not better, viewing hilarity. For example, I think Hooter’s would make a killing on putting cameras in one of their stores and then following some of the girls around in their real lives. Much more drama and action than any Housewives from (insert state here). Jay Leno aired two Hooter’s girls from Colorado during the Obama election and of course, the televised Bikini Contests are always a winner with the male demographics.

My Employer often threatens to put a camera in his “band room” at home. As he says, plenty of aging musicians from differing backgrounds that would make for decent comic relief (not to mention the alcohol consumption, no doubt). The bonus is that none of them look half as scary as that aging model on this summer’s “15 minute Hall-of-famers Camping-in-the-Forest” show. Can you even technically call them celebrities? I would just call them plain unattractive.

Sari is employed in a plastic surgeon’s office. She says with one male doctor, four female employees and all of the interesting clientele, this would make for great TV fodder. There’s divorce, pregnancies, adultery, gossip, blood… Unlike “Grey’s Anatomy”, it’s all real!

I guess the truth about television reality shows is that they just can’t be real. Once a camera is turned on everyone dreams of thanking the academy one day. Stephen Baldwin and Jeff Conaway are two likely contenders for the Reality TV Oscar, as apparently they each have never met a reality TV show they didn’t make an appearance on.

Coming soon, Stephen and Jeff; playing an instrument, getting breast implants and dressing in little orange shorts. Ewwww…